When Intimacy Hurts: Why Some Christians Struggle With Intimacy in Marriage

The other day, I came across a video of a couple that really got me thinking. The wife had just returned from a trip, and her husband was so excited to see her. He complimented her, reached out for a hug… but she gave him a side hug.

Now, you can imagine his confusion. He laughed it off at first but then said, “We’ve been married for three years, and you’ve been giving me side hugs all this time. Why can’t you hug me properly?”

It escalated into a bit of a back-and-forth. He pulled her closer, she resisted. He wanted a full embrace, but she couldn’t bring herself to give it.

Watching that scene, I couldn’t help but wonder—what was really happening there? Because let’s be honest, refusing a hug from your spouse isn’t just about personal preference. It could be pointing to something much deeper.

The Link Between Trauma and Intimacy

Sometimes, difficulty with physical affection can be a trauma response. For someone who has experienced abuse or unwanted touch in the past, intimacy—something that should bring comfort—can instead trigger fear or discomfort.

Instead of joy, closeness feels threatening. Instead of safety, it stirs anxiety.

If that’s the case for this woman, then what seems like “just a hug” to her husband might actually be tied to painful memories she has never healed from.

And if that’s true, then what does it mean for other areas of their marriage, like sexual intimacy?

The Way We Teach Purity Also Plays a Role

As I reflected, another thought struck me. Growing up as a Nigerian Christian, I was taught the importance of purity—“Don’t have sex before marriage.” Full stop.

To protect ourselves, we set up boundaries:

• Don’t hug the opposite sex too closely.

• Don’t spend too much time alone together.

• Guard your body, guard your heart.

These teachings came from a good place, but here’s the issue: nobody came back after the wedding to say, “Now things are different. Now you can enjoy intimacy. Now your body is for your spouse, and their body is for you.”

So, many Christian couples walk into marriage with years of conditioning that intimacy is dangerous… and then wonder why they struggle to fully enjoy God’s gift of sex.

The Need for Healing and Holistic Teaching

The enemy has fought hard in the area of sexuality. Abuse, fear, shame—they all rob people of God’s design for marriage. And while the world shouts about sex at the top of its lungs (often in distorted and ungodly ways), the Church has often stayed silent, or only taught what not to do.

That leaves a painful gap.

What we need is:

1. Spaces for Healing – where people can bring their trauma before God, receive prayer, and experience freedom.

2. Holistic Sex Education for Christians – not just rules, but guidance on how to actually enjoy intimacy in a God-honouring way.

Because yes, the Bible does say:

“The husband should fulfil his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife.”

(1 Corinthians 7:3–4, NIV)

God intended sex and intimacy to be a beautiful exchange, not a battlefield of fear and confusion.

Moving Forward

If you find yourself struggling—whether you’re single preparing for marriage, or married and realising intimacy feels harder than it should—you’re not alone. There is healing in Christ. There is freedom available.

One of the ways we’re responding at Wise Attraction is by creating spaces for singles to receive inner healing. This November, we’re hosting an Inner Healing Conference for Singles—a time to allow God to touch wounds of the past and prepare hearts for a joyful, Christ-centred marriage.

Because if we don’t deal with our past pain, we’ll keep carrying it into our present relationships.

Final Thoughts

That video of the side-hugging couple may have been a lighthearted clip, but it highlights something real many people face: intimacy is hard when the heart hasn’t been healed.

As the body of Christ, we need to start having open, honest conversations about sex, healing, and God’s design for intimacy. Not just to tell people what not to do, but to teach them how to thrive in their marriages.

So, what are your thoughts? Do you think the Church has prepared Christians well for intimacy in marriage—or do you see the same gaps I do?

Let’s keep the conversation going. 💬